No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands. And breathe.

Well it seems as if I've driven myelf into a corner, a dark, lonley corner. I get very upset at something, realize I've got really none left to talk and then get even more upset. I need a few people back in my life.. But unfortunatly I can't even talk to one of them anymore.. It was my own fault though. And as for the other two... Just go back to the way you were.. I'd appreciate it. I wish I could just say everything that's on my mind on this. But even though I've never told anyone I know about it.. That " what if" pops into my head and cuts me off of another chance at sanity. I'm not sleeping properly, I'm not eating properly (but if it was up to me I wouldn't be eating at all) and now I have a cold. On a more positive note.. Rather than daydreaming about drugs, I now go to boxing class and pitcure both S and A's face as the punching bag. Everytime I go by that house it makes me sick. Is it bad that I often wish I was a crazy junkie? I think I've just built the hype up to much in my head. this is where a normal person would ask "what good hype is there about being a junkie?"

Anyways.. If you don't feel like reading any of the above.. Long story short it my mind right now is filled with thoughts of drugs, past memories, feeling of loss, depression and weight loss topics its ridiculous. At least tomorrow(today) is monday.. Gossip girl or 90210 anyone?


You just don't get it, do you? You really don't

understand that I'm not

over you. I never was over you.

I just learned to move on.

well im afraid i've done something wrong. i thought that this would fix everything, but it clearly has not. you must think im fucking nuts. i can't wait till thursday to get my shit sorted out, maybe ill just start with my room until then.

fuck this shit, fuck this.

let your joy scream across the pain

well i miss you. i'm really starting to miss you now. i hope you miss me, or at least think about me.. i played pool the other night wih the guys. it was a lot of fun, especially because P came, and I even managed to win agaisnt one of them! I think i'm going to go buy my touque tomorrow. I can't wait until sunday haha plus then i can wear it all weekend. my chest pains are getting more frequent, which is making it more scary. im tired of sedating myself when i get the pain instead of actually being diagnosed. what if it is something really serious? im probably overreacting (except not about the pain, the pain is 100% real).

dear 3am, we really have to stop meeting this way. I'd much rather sleep with you~

"spread my ballls!"

im tired. today was an awesome day, filled with even more awesome friends. it's just everything is starting to take its toll.

im tired of missing you
im tired of the extreme pain im in
im tired of feeling like im going through withdrawl
im also tired of the feeling that everything in my life is temporary

sometimes people change their minds~

well hello.
haven't done much latley. well that's a lie. i went to see a movie (the bounty hunter) with B the other night. It was nice not having him trying to stick his tougne down my throat the entire time :) he did fall asleep during a part of the movie though and looked pretty funny, sitting there quietly snoring. I didn't think the movie was horrible, it did have its funny parts, i just didn't get how the soundtrack had anything to do with the movie haha buttt it was good music. it made me want to get up and dance right there in the middle of the theater. We proceded to go eat some chicken nuggets after much debate weither we had time to go get bagels and donuts. I like hanging out with him because we have so much to talk about since we still don't know eachother that well; eventhough i talk almost nonstop haha. C pissed me off, so im mad at him and also my stupid fucking windows vista security alert. GO SUCK IT AND SHUT UP. I think im going to have to take my laptop into future shop to see wtf is going on. I also cannot wait to babysit B this weekend, and then go buy my sasquatch touque! Seriously, i look very cute in it :) Im very lucky that i look good in touques and sunglasses, i couldn't imagine how hard it must be if you have trouble finding sunglasses or something. I'd go crazy. P came and visited me after work and we went out for sushi (he knows how to get me out of my house lol) and then we went and bought a ski jacket he wanted, which is where i found the touque. Other than that not a lot has been going on. Just a lot of work this week and making a lot of plans to hang out with people, like going out to play pool and things. Unfortuantly Im not able to go to richmond to see h wich is like tearing my heart out. It would have been so much fun to go get DRUNK in richmond, plus all my other group of friends is out there. dammit, it will have to happen another time. What else? hmm. How about some graphics and quotes? okay.
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"according to him, im funny, irresistable, everything he ever wanted. everything is opposite, i don't feel like stopping it, so baby tell me what i got to loose"

"if you fall for me, im not easily to please. i might tear you apart. im only break, break, break, your heart"

if you're not willing to risk it all, you don't want it bad enough

i've learned to love abuse

"When you feel like you love someone more than he loves you, it can make you crazy. It can make you a lot crazy"

tonights episode of greys was fantastic :)