Wow

Wow.. I can't believe it's been over a year since I've posted anything. I somehow managed to loose my email account associated with this blog and just kind of gave up. I really didn't think I'd be able to get back into this again.

It's crazy looking back at my posts a year ago. Reading what was going through my head and going on in my life then compared to now. On January 29th 2013 I started a full time job at Two Rivers and have been working there ever since. I do honestly think it was the saving grace for me. It's given me a schedule (which I now realized is something very important in my life). It also gave me an income, a positive thought and an amazing friend. I don't think a year ago I could have imagined I'd be in the place I'm in now. I was really broken and lost and didn't even understand what was actually going on. The one thing this past year has taught me though is that I don't need a man; I need some great girlfriends, a couple bottles of wine and some money in my pocket.

Legal Lady!

Well I am finally legal all over the world!

I have to say these past few months I've really changed and am trying to make myself into a better person. I stopped doing drugs, am not really into drinking that much anymore and am coming to what I feel like are life altering realizations lately. I feel like turning 21 means I'm getting older and I should be getting happier so I need to start making better decisions.. and different ones.

I have always known that I put a lot of emotional effort (usually more than others) into all my relationships in life, which unfortunately makes it a lot easier for me to be upset/agitated/angry faster.

I seem to be putting to much energy into trying to get people to accept me, like me or whatever. I don't actually think it's bad to put energy into the relationships with those around you but I've realized I'm always doing it with the wrong people which is why I'm always getting disappointed and hurt.

I don't know what I did to those few people who are singling me out right now.. and after I've calmed myself down and thought about the situation rationally... I honestly don't think I did do anything. That's just who they are and who they need me to be, the excuse, the reason. But I won't be that anymore. It's time I move on.

I was so lost, so so lost for so long and felt like they were my only people, but they aren't and they're certainly not the right people for me. I do have people in my life who care about me and do want the best for me and it's time I start treating those people with the respect they deserve and putting my energy into them. I don't want to be like those toxic people in my life and maybe it's not to late for me to change.

I want to be a better person, and maybe I can if I focus my energy on the people who are worth it I will be.

I know this post is all jumbled up but that makes sense to me, so whatever :P

WHAT A JOKE

What a joke those past few months of my life were! Boys are dumb, I'm single, the end :) happy ending though. On to thaa next.

Well moving on from that disastrous part of my life and moving forward. This summer has been.. crazy. Filled with crazy prostitutes, drunk bicycle rides and lots of other things. The best thing summer 2012 has brought to me though is my bestie, my babe, my "twin". When we're hanging out it's like I've known her forever. And honestly I can see this girl being a part of my life until we're old and wrinkley 8) Another awesome thing? WE'RE GOING TO TECH N9NE ON SEPTEMBER 4THH!!!!!! The last concert I was to was when C. took me to lmfao which was a partial disaster, mostly because I went with him though haha.. I'm thankful that it no longer bothers me to talk about C. but can't help to wonder when my heart will stop hurting from the one after. I'm starting to realize that this summer didn't do as much as I thought it did to help me get over him, just helped me forget for the time being. At least I got the whole summer without him in my head! LOL! I try so hard to not always write about guys, but it seems that's all I can type about haha.

Ok.. other things in my life.. (ten minutes of staring blankly at the screen later).. I'm starting up work again in September twice a week with Lucas and Anna, but it's not enough so I need to start looking for  another job too. And thenn probably going to Capp in the new year for ECE. Well that was boring.

Anyways, this summer has definitely changed me, that's for sure. I'm more assertive, more sure of what I want, who I am.. dare I say I have multiple moments of confidence? Yeesss.

wings and things

So we had a big talk, and I mean a big one. Thank god. We'll see how things go, but so far so good.

He's sleeping next to me in bed right now, being all cute. Most adorable thing is when he turns over and just snuggles his head as close as he can into my arm (insert nerd face here).

I made a list of things I need to do (like actually get fucking done) tomorrow. I hope to be more productive :) Time to move forward. I'll let you know how it goes

2012..

Well I'm back to this blog again, don't ask me why.. I've just changed my mind. My mood has been pretty on and off lately which is partially why I haven't felt like writing. I don't even feel like writing right now. I probably should though, get some things (ideas, topics) off my chest. Maybe it will help in the long run.

I'm seeing this guy, it's been almost two months. I guess you might even say it's more serious than seeing since he's living with me. And at first it was everything I could have ever wanted and more, much much more. But now I can't decipher if it's just that the honey moon phase is slowly ending or that what I think might actually be true. I obviously don't want it to be true.

I thought he was completely different from my ex, but lately I'm wondering if he really is.. or if I just made it out that way. I've been avoiding thinking about this, I don't want to think about it. Like, could I SERIOUSLY have fallen into the exact same type of relationship I was in before, am I really that blind and dumb. Or, am I just not wanting to work at things, maybe my mood lately has just making things go off, distorting my thinking and my perceptions... I just don't know.

We talk things out when a problem is evident, we've never yelled at each other or called each other a name, I mean that is totally different than my last relationship. So how is it like this? Why do I feel like this? Do I need to just stop comparing my relationship to my previous train wreak of one? It's just hard, that one was so fucked up... I don't ever want to be in something like that again.

I really do love this this guy.

Oh hello there old friend

Wow. Havn't been blogging in a long time. So here's what my life is up to as of now:

I'm going to school three days a week. Taking English, Math and Sociology. I love Math so much, it's math for elementary school teachers, so not only are we doing math, but we're learning the concept behind it. I never understood Math in grade school, so taking this course has given me a brand new confidence in it! English is good, my teacher is hilarious and outrageous. Sociology suck balls. My teacher sucks, her noted suck and the course content sucks even more.

I'm still working at the pool, but not really at daycare anymore. Three times a week at the pool. Twice swimming, and one full shift of guarding (unfortunalty it also has swimming in it).

The past three weeks a bunch of my friends and I have basically been living at my friends place since her parents pce'd for three weeks. It was a lot of fun. We had cute little family dinners, and it was really nice just always having people around you. Even when you just wanted to be alone it was ok, cuz we all were able to hang out without needing attention or constant interaction with each other. Obviously there was a little bit of drama.. Looks like I've found a new guy in my life to not get a long with :P It's ok though now.. i think.. we talked, so hopefully that does something.

Oh thank you lord. I needed this.

I just keep getting beat down. I thought I was finally done with Curtis. I am done with Curtis, but can the kid just leave me alone? No. He needs his stuff back, wants to threten me, and tell me I'm worthless. I don't deserve this from any person, so I finally stuck up for myself, without getting emotional or giving him the satisfaction of upsetting me. I'm proud of me. Finally letting go of him feels good, it feels right (except for those few moments). He hasn't repsonded back to my rebuttle so far so I think I've stumped him.

Curtis, please just leave me alone. You've been nothing but rude and irrational to me. And despite what you seem to think of me, I've never done anything to hurt you intentionally, unlike what you've done to me so many times over the years. I feel as though most of it comes from me not wanting to screw you or date you or even makeout with you.. and maybe that's a bit egotistical of me to say, but maybe I'm right, or maybe I'm really wrong. All I know is how I've been treated by you. And usually that was never ok. So I'm finally letting go of whatever it was that kept me holding on to you. My life will go on without you, and it will be ok. It hurts to actually have to let someone who I thought was very important person in my life go, but you put me in this position.

Alright, now that I've gotten that out of my system. No guy pays any attention to me for god knows how long, and now all in one night I've got two guys who are like gungho ready and wanting to chill asap. Stupid life. I'm really bad at saying no... NOT in like a sexual way, but being firm about like no im not coming out tonight. Because if I was more confident I probably would go out... but I'm not. But dam does it feel good to have guys attention. I still love chris though. I think I just crave positive attention from guys because I don't get enough of it from the one important guy in my life.

I also bought my first car last week. 2006 pontiac vibe. It's beautiful, it's my dream car and it's my baby. She's currently in the shop right now though :( Getting her brakes redone. Argh, I miss driving her. Only nine more days till my n test!!!