Just busy attracting the very things I should be running from

This is actually really frustrating. I can't think of one meaningful thing to write. I just want to fill a page with witty thoughts and words, but nothing comes to my head, only boys and love.

TMMT (this made me think)

that is all.

hit me

I can't find photos today, just another bad day. I only got to sleep at around 630 from coughing all night. Usually a bit more than the normal does of calmlyn does the trick, but not last night. So exhausted and sick I dragged my butt to daycare. It wasn't so bad, the kids can usually cheer me up.. mainly jacob. Then came home became very lazy and didn't go to the gym. So by that point I'm feeling pretty low, sluggish and sad. I decided to text Curtis, see if he'd be down to hang out sometime this week (I haven't seen him since grouse night) and I basically get a message back saying a bunch of random bullshit and telling me not to respond because he won't read it "pce court" ONCE A FUCKING GAIN.
I have done nothing to deserve this from him again (he's done it so many times I can't even count) and yet here i sit upset over it. Why do I care about this person so much who oviously doesn't give a crap about me? I don't get it. I'm so fucking stupid to think he'd never do that to me, to think he'd grown up. I am just a punching bag for other peoples emotional shit. Have something bad happening in your life? Go ahead, take a swing at me because apparently that's all I'm good for.
AND THEN when its time for me to need someone, for me to need a hug, a friend. Where the fuck did everyone go? IM SO FUCKING FURIOUS AND SAD AND DONE WITH EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. Nobody cares about anyone but themself. But I still rush to someones side the moment they say they need me because I ridiculously hope that when they finally realize how much I've been there for them then maybe they'll be there for me.
NO I DONT WANT TO TELL YOU OVER FUCKING TEXT, NO I DONT WANT TO TELL YOU ON THE PHONE. I WANT A FUCKING HUG. How about that.

Oh, I lost 4.8 pounds last week. Which is awesome, but since then I've drank a lot so I'm a bit scared for my next weigh in.

Where people decide to take their emotional feelings out on me, I like to type in capps here and then go work it out at the gym, unfortunalty I'll have to wait until tomorrow for the gym.

I need to start focusing on myself. I care to much about other people, about what they're doing, what they think.. what about me? Calling the CAPU admissions office tomorrow to make an appotiment, I have to start getting my life in order for next year. I've also joined weight watchers as of last thursday.. I'm not only hoping to loose weight but to learn healthier eating habbits. I'm just not right.. I don't feel whole and I don't know what to do to fix it. I want to meet new people, do new things, find a new boy if this one doesn't buck up(althought I'd rather he did). I'm open to anything, I want new adventures and I want them now.

Drews been calling me often. It's nice having someone call you and wonder about your day, ask you questions...listen. He calls me nice names and doesn't make a joke out of everything. I feel good when he texts me.. It's easy. I guess that makes me ask, is a relationship better when it feels easy and natural, or is it more when its work and fighting for something you want?

heh, that makes me happy :)

The only thing I'm sure about is getting healthy and skinny. Because once I have that, then maybe I can move on from this obsession. I'm tired of being unhappy, because somehow i make everything come back to my weight.

Day three of new diet.. =Mental breakdown. fml

thats what i feel like right now.

roosters

Wow, I haven't posted in a while. Since christmas life has been pretty busy. The last three weeks I've worked at the daycare 5 days a week, which was hard but at least I was making money.. I go back to my crappy ass hours now. Maybe it's time to get another job? ugh.
Me
I went to roosters last night in Pitt Medows. Me, Shay her mom and my parents went to go visit Don, Karen and Lindsay because they live out there now. And surprinsly very close to Roosters which is awesome. I did have high expectations of the place, and literally they were all met. The place was packed, cheap drinks, full of hot boys. The only thing I'd add is a bit more like top 40 music. It was a bit embarassing being there with my parents, but at least they were trying to have fun. Got pretty drunk, tequila shos, double long islands and hypnotiq&alize shots... yumm.. Got to actually dance with a guy :) I thought it was funny that the girls he must have gone there with kept trying to get him to go with them and he just waved them off and ignored them each time. Yey! A bit of a confidence boost that was needed. I will be going back there very soon haha

I`ve been kind of down latley though. I don`t hang out with a lot of the people I used to, which doesn`t really bother me, it`s the people I do hang out with now. Chris and I have been pretty close latley, so it means I`m usually around a lot of his people, and I know they all have this thing agaisnt me because I`m his ex gf. I didn`t realize how much that was effecting me until a few days ago. I just try so hard to be friends with anyone and I`ve never done anything to anyone of them. It`s just so unfair, all his friends are unfair, but alas we`re not dating so nothing really matters. Other than that Chris and I are getting along really well.

What else can I say... I've just signed myself up for tumblr and I don't really know why.. or even what it's used for.

There are two functions of behaviour; to attain the desirable or to escape.

Well im a bit upset, ive been looking on the internet now for an hour and still have not found a photo i really like. Ugh. Went to the roxy last Thursday with mel and shay. We went to go see Andrews band lim vociferous (sp?) They played some pretty sick metal music, not really my favourite genre though. I literally couldn’t hear myself think (aw jeeze. I sound like an old person). It was a lot of fun though. We pre drank, as to save ourselves some money, but you know me.. always have to have a drink in my hand. I actually managed to convince this one guy to buy me two vodka redbull shots and a double long island iced tea. So by the end of the night, i was trashed. It was fun. I missed dancing.. It was so much fun being out with the girls, but as usual Jeff ends up picking us up. I don’t mean to act ungrateful, but at the same time.. is it really a girls night if Jeff always shows up at the end? I’d just like to have one night out, where we just have to figure our shit out.. and it will likely be hilarious. My weekend was pretty feeble. Friday was a right off.. Ashlynn and Colton drama took the night by its balls. I’ve informed her of this site so hopefully she starts her own. It’s a good way to vent and work out your problems. Saturday was a lazy day that ended up with Chris showing up at my house unexpectedly. It was a nice surprise, and a fantastic night. We hung out at my place until my parents got home and then went over to his to smoke and watch a movie with Blaire and Wes, Super High Me. And then ended up back in my bed to munch out and sleep. It’s funny, since we’ve broken up I’ve been having more fun with him then I ever did when we were dating. It seems like friends is definitely the better idea. And he even slept over.. that was the unbelievable part. I ran into Mitch the other day at the pool, on his way to the gym of course. I hope to hang out again soon with him and james. The last time was a really great night. And then there was last night. Chris and I went to the Christmas train. I am usually not a very big Christmas fan, but the lights were fantastic. And everything was perfect. That’s really all I can say. It was a night of surprises. Anyways, I should probably be getting to bed

questioning,

AH JUST FUCKING POSTED A WHOLE BUNCH OF SHIT AND IT DIDN'T WORK. KILL ME.
Alright so today is not going so well. Well it's been good and bad, just like my mood every couple of seconds. Had a beer with justin and immy tonight.. baked cookies with shay and ashlynn. I just don't feel right on the inside.. like i go from super happy to shaking in fear. I don't trust anyone, and I just seriously need a constant in my life. Currently I'm just trying to become friends with Chris again. I'm just so freaked he's going to think I want to get back together with him.. I just want to be friends!!!! I've lost so many people in the last few months.. the thought of loosing one more, especially the one person who I truley trusted for the last two years of my life.. it just gives me this sinking feeling in my stomach. Anyways, life I guess goes on.