wings and things

So we had a big talk, and I mean a big one. Thank god. We'll see how things go, but so far so good.

He's sleeping next to me in bed right now, being all cute. Most adorable thing is when he turns over and just snuggles his head as close as he can into my arm (insert nerd face here).

I made a list of things I need to do (like actually get fucking done) tomorrow. I hope to be more productive :) Time to move forward. I'll let you know how it goes

2012..

Well I'm back to this blog again, don't ask me why.. I've just changed my mind. My mood has been pretty on and off lately which is partially why I haven't felt like writing. I don't even feel like writing right now. I probably should though, get some things (ideas, topics) off my chest. Maybe it will help in the long run.

I'm seeing this guy, it's been almost two months. I guess you might even say it's more serious than seeing since he's living with me. And at first it was everything I could have ever wanted and more, much much more. But now I can't decipher if it's just that the honey moon phase is slowly ending or that what I think might actually be true. I obviously don't want it to be true.

I thought he was completely different from my ex, but lately I'm wondering if he really is.. or if I just made it out that way. I've been avoiding thinking about this, I don't want to think about it. Like, could I SERIOUSLY have fallen into the exact same type of relationship I was in before, am I really that blind and dumb. Or, am I just not wanting to work at things, maybe my mood lately has just making things go off, distorting my thinking and my perceptions... I just don't know.

We talk things out when a problem is evident, we've never yelled at each other or called each other a name, I mean that is totally different than my last relationship. So how is it like this? Why do I feel like this? Do I need to just stop comparing my relationship to my previous train wreak of one? It's just hard, that one was so fucked up... I don't ever want to be in something like that again.

I really do love this this guy.

Oh hello there old friend

Wow. Havn't been blogging in a long time. So here's what my life is up to as of now:

I'm going to school three days a week. Taking English, Math and Sociology. I love Math so much, it's math for elementary school teachers, so not only are we doing math, but we're learning the concept behind it. I never understood Math in grade school, so taking this course has given me a brand new confidence in it! English is good, my teacher is hilarious and outrageous. Sociology suck balls. My teacher sucks, her noted suck and the course content sucks even more.

I'm still working at the pool, but not really at daycare anymore. Three times a week at the pool. Twice swimming, and one full shift of guarding (unfortunalty it also has swimming in it).

The past three weeks a bunch of my friends and I have basically been living at my friends place since her parents pce'd for three weeks. It was a lot of fun. We had cute little family dinners, and it was really nice just always having people around you. Even when you just wanted to be alone it was ok, cuz we all were able to hang out without needing attention or constant interaction with each other. Obviously there was a little bit of drama.. Looks like I've found a new guy in my life to not get a long with :P It's ok though now.. i think.. we talked, so hopefully that does something.

Oh thank you lord. I needed this.

I just keep getting beat down. I thought I was finally done with Curtis. I am done with Curtis, but can the kid just leave me alone? No. He needs his stuff back, wants to threten me, and tell me I'm worthless. I don't deserve this from any person, so I finally stuck up for myself, without getting emotional or giving him the satisfaction of upsetting me. I'm proud of me. Finally letting go of him feels good, it feels right (except for those few moments). He hasn't repsonded back to my rebuttle so far so I think I've stumped him.

Curtis, please just leave me alone. You've been nothing but rude and irrational to me. And despite what you seem to think of me, I've never done anything to hurt you intentionally, unlike what you've done to me so many times over the years. I feel as though most of it comes from me not wanting to screw you or date you or even makeout with you.. and maybe that's a bit egotistical of me to say, but maybe I'm right, or maybe I'm really wrong. All I know is how I've been treated by you. And usually that was never ok. So I'm finally letting go of whatever it was that kept me holding on to you. My life will go on without you, and it will be ok. It hurts to actually have to let someone who I thought was very important person in my life go, but you put me in this position.

Alright, now that I've gotten that out of my system. No guy pays any attention to me for god knows how long, and now all in one night I've got two guys who are like gungho ready and wanting to chill asap. Stupid life. I'm really bad at saying no... NOT in like a sexual way, but being firm about like no im not coming out tonight. Because if I was more confident I probably would go out... but I'm not. But dam does it feel good to have guys attention. I still love chris though. I think I just crave positive attention from guys because I don't get enough of it from the one important guy in my life.

I also bought my first car last week. 2006 pontiac vibe. It's beautiful, it's my dream car and it's my baby. She's currently in the shop right now though :( Getting her brakes redone. Argh, I miss driving her. Only nine more days till my n test!!!

Just busy attracting the very things I should be running from

This is actually really frustrating. I can't think of one meaningful thing to write. I just want to fill a page with witty thoughts and words, but nothing comes to my head, only boys and love.

TMMT (this made me think)

that is all.

hit me

I can't find photos today, just another bad day. I only got to sleep at around 630 from coughing all night. Usually a bit more than the normal does of calmlyn does the trick, but not last night. So exhausted and sick I dragged my butt to daycare. It wasn't so bad, the kids can usually cheer me up.. mainly jacob. Then came home became very lazy and didn't go to the gym. So by that point I'm feeling pretty low, sluggish and sad. I decided to text Curtis, see if he'd be down to hang out sometime this week (I haven't seen him since grouse night) and I basically get a message back saying a bunch of random bullshit and telling me not to respond because he won't read it "pce court" ONCE A FUCKING GAIN.
I have done nothing to deserve this from him again (he's done it so many times I can't even count) and yet here i sit upset over it. Why do I care about this person so much who oviously doesn't give a crap about me? I don't get it. I'm so fucking stupid to think he'd never do that to me, to think he'd grown up. I am just a punching bag for other peoples emotional shit. Have something bad happening in your life? Go ahead, take a swing at me because apparently that's all I'm good for.
AND THEN when its time for me to need someone, for me to need a hug, a friend. Where the fuck did everyone go? IM SO FUCKING FURIOUS AND SAD AND DONE WITH EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. Nobody cares about anyone but themself. But I still rush to someones side the moment they say they need me because I ridiculously hope that when they finally realize how much I've been there for them then maybe they'll be there for me.
NO I DONT WANT TO TELL YOU OVER FUCKING TEXT, NO I DONT WANT TO TELL YOU ON THE PHONE. I WANT A FUCKING HUG. How about that.

Oh, I lost 4.8 pounds last week. Which is awesome, but since then I've drank a lot so I'm a bit scared for my next weigh in.

Where people decide to take their emotional feelings out on me, I like to type in capps here and then go work it out at the gym, unfortunalty I'll have to wait until tomorrow for the gym.