im in stealth mode.. that's why my scarf is wrapped around my head

Well, today has been just a lot of everything. Happy, stressed, dissapointed, hurt, happy again. Slept over at curts house last night. Usually I would care about what Chris would think, but we're both kinda being together and doing out own thing, and suprisinly he was fine with it. It felt good to hang out with him again, I missed him. I was already in breakdown mode as I call it, so we had a few drinks, listened to some music.. and got some awesome hotdogs from the most creepy 711 man I've met so far (he kept winking at me.. I swear! and then curtis didn't believe me).
I'm foccusing more on my friends now, getting myself back.. being me. Not some crazy boy crazed girl.. I don't like her very much. It's time to meet new people and put some interest in my life. I might take a bartending course sometime after my birthday!
Chris played a remix of sleepyhead in the car today which almost took my heart out.. everytime I've heard it I could go back to that exact feeling, which is really scary and uncomfortable. But I just thought.. why not tackle that fear, so I just finished listening to it again. i just have to start doing stuff like that. Criminal minds is my life by the way.
Ya so my work fucked me over today. They are so dumb and disorganized, urgh. But I managed to sort it out and got it all over and done with myself. I went over to Chrises house this morning and fell into one of the deepest sleeps of my life. It was really crazy, I wish I could remember the dream I was having. Then had some food at the keg, did some good ol recerts and called Justin up. Surprisinly he answered and I met up with him and Immy to go see a movie. It was a lot of fun. I've missed Justin, we were super close not to long ago. :)

I have just refound my love for Channing Tatum. The Dilemma.. SO EXCITED. He has tattoos...

Paul once said, "the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference" and although i will be just letting a lot of stuff go.. its not that I don't care, I don't have the energy or want to care about that stuff.

magic exists, and so does bull shit

just a fuck you to facebook atm. WHY DO YOU NEVER WORK WHEN I NEED YOU TOO.
So things in my life are a little crazy right now. Is that ever a surprise though? Shall we start with the positive. Hanging out with Jeff. As crazy as he might sometimes think, we are actually really good at communcating with eachother, he can talk and I'll bring him down back to earth and also what he thinks and says, it really makes me think about my own life. I like that. He's a good guy, who's just trying to get through and over a lot of shit in his life, just like the rest of us. I found it particulary useful on a night like tonight, when shit just really wasn't going well with me.. and hes helped me realize what I need to do, to know what will be good for me. And becuase of that.. I feel content right now, ready for what comes next... whatever that may be. It does scare me, and to do what I'm preparing myself to do.. it's going to take courage on my part, and it's going to be hard. But in the end I'm hoping that it will work out, and will show me... the positive outcome.
Hmm.. lets search for another positive, it's making me feel better. Jacob. Due to the fact that I feel that I was made to be a mother and just want to have a kid, Jacob is filling that joid for me. And I love him for that, he is my little man at the daycare. Ronni always complains about his whineing, but I guess beacuase that I love him so much, and this little two year old is actually helping me through this part of my life, i choose to look beyond that. Love you Jacob. xx

and before i go into my whole negative speech.. which after writing this out, makes me feel even less bitchy towards the subject, lets do one more thing. I will say four truths and one lie.. think you know me well enough?
-i write stories that mostly are about drug addicts and sluts
-i WISH someone knew about my blog secretly
-i plan on distancing myself from you, emotionally
-i hope to keep my room more organized and clean from now on
-memories of you are fading, and it's healing me
well i think that will give you a bit of a thinker.

ALRIGHT, here it goes.. I don't know what to do about you anymore, so do you know what i've decided to do.. NOTHING. ha. butt fucking all. That's right ladies and gentlemen, hear me when I say this. I will be okay with whatever the fuck you want to do, because you're going to do it anyway. It really doesn't matter what I say or feel or think, and you know what that's fine, but if that's the way this is going to work, it's going to go both ways. I mean this in the calmest way possible. I've just come to this conclusion that i care almost to much. "Puppy love syndrome" to quote Couples Reatreat haha. And if things change and you fight for us, then i will fight with you. And we will be great together, just like I know we can be. But you, and all you`re stupid friends need to calm down and give me a chance, because ya I did shit that was a bit crazy in the past, but you put me up to that. I`m changing and Im moving in a positive direction, and hopefully you see that, because if you don`t then that`s just ridiculous, and it`s not fair to me. You asked for sex from me and that`s what Im giving you (a lot of it), so where are the little things I asked for? I still am not getting those texts or those calls. And personally those aren't really huge things at all. Im okay with you hanging out with and texting whoever. I trust you. So please, show me some respect.

See.. not so negative and bitchy anymore :) Whereas if I had written that first.. it may have come out very differently.

"If you come back missing.. and I don't respond, jsut remember who let who go"
goodnight monsters xx

you can be the vodka and i'll be the chaser.

nice people suck when they're mean -gregory alan elliott

day 2- nine memories you can't leave behind

The one true memory i will never forget is the day my nana managed to say "i love you" just a few days before she passed away. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life. She hadn't even been talking for quite a while before that, but i know she knew how much that ment to me and how much i needed it. i love you too nana, and i think about you every day<3

Christmas dinner at my nana and papas home. he had a joke that comes out of one of those shitty little cracker things. "how did the angel say hello?" and answer was suposed to be "halo" but he decided to make it "hey there asshole". It didnt make any sense at all, but he laughed so hard he cried.. it was hilarious.
.....i will update this more as i think of the mor imporant memories and have time.

holding a grudge is letting someone live rent free in your head.

jayysuss.

hey so, the whole no comments on my posts is kind of getting me down. I know that's kind of stupid of me since i won't tell anyone i know about this blog.. or have lied about it a bunch.. but if you're just a random person who happens to stumble across this blog of my life, leave a comment....anything!! haha im in a much better mood today.

well first things first: i've found my future soul mate
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjCLQaTFXx0
what he does.. its just not natural.. how is that at all possible!?

secondly... a guy actually hit on ME today. And not just the regular hey you're hot. nope. the aw shucks.. i wanted to take you out for dinner. Not that that means something to me. Well it does.. but the guy doesn't. It's just a confidence boost, and i really needed it. I'm pretty tired right now, i can't wait for the weekend.

so this is what im going to do on here for the next ten days:
Day 1 - 10 people who have/had impacted your life and why
Day 2 - 9 memories you can’t leave behind
Day 3 - 8 things that are on your mind right now
Day 4 - 7 bad habits
Day 5 - 6 lies
Day 6 - Name 5 ex boyfriends/girlfriends and which one meant the most to you?
Day 7 - 4 phrases you say a lot
Day 8 - 3 confessions
Day 9 - 2 quotes/sayings/songs etc. that keep you motivated
Day 10 - Write about the 1 person you constantly think about. Who’s this person and why?

10 people who have impacted my life.

• 
  
  mom and dad.. you're my parents. you're who i've learned from from the very start, and without you two, i wouldn't be here today.


• 
  
  nana and papa.. you were my second parents. and papa im considered the "female version of howard pope" and nana, i can't list all the things you've taught me.. that would take me days <3


• 
  
  ashlynn.. you've shown me that i can have people in my life that are reliable and honest and trustworthy. and beacuse of you i am a better person in general.


• 
  
  chris.. beacause of our relationship, and the mistakes you made with me, i actually managed to realize how i was affecting other people, and totally changed who i was with you beacuse of that.


• 
  
  sam...beacuse of you, and the whole group really i grew into a more mature person. it was because of your decisions that made me realize what was important in life, and who really to get upset over. I sincerly don't mean this in a rude way, you helped me become the person that parents trust with their kids, you helped me learn how to deal with people better.


• 
  
  shayla.. well without you, and us going through all our crazy styles and fads in life, i wouldnt be the way iam today, and i wouldnt have had the "experiences" without you. and without those experinces, i wouldn't have learned those valuable life lessons.. haha ;)


• 
  
  heather.. i can't even put it into words.. you just know me, and you're my my friend ive known for my whole life. we need to hang out more :(


• 
  
  peter... you were my first bf out of my circle of friends, and for that i will always know that there is other people out there, i dont have to be comfined to my little world. i miss hanging out with you :(

wow.. that was way harder than i thought it would be.

remorse, fear, passion and anxiety

oh hey. tonights not much better tham the last. Don't feel that my life is just one big shit hole.. It's just that I uaually only end up writing when im upset, or alone.. or upset and alone. It's when I have the most time on my hands. I spent all day today making my bf a present to surprise him with for no good reason.. and he just becomes this major asshole. He doesn't understand where I come from at all becuase he's never been alone in his life. Never had rules put on him.. and now he lives with his brother so he can have whoever over, whenever he feels like it. All the while, I'm stuck in this house that limits me from being the exact person I really am. It also doesn't help theres an unlimited supply of other stuff that doesn't help my current condition. I've decided that I need to go join Jenny Craig. I just need to start saving up a bit of money for it.. I'd love to loose some weight :) What else can I say? I'm not looking forward to swim teaching.. I hate getting into the water, and I hate my body. I really hate my body.

I hate how one day you'll realize, the sweetest words were the fucking lies.
if you really knew me, you'd know i miss him

No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands. And breathe.

Well it seems as if I've driven myelf into a corner, a dark, lonley corner. I get very upset at something, realize I've got really none left to talk and then get even more upset. I need a few people back in my life.. But unfortunatly I can't even talk to one of them anymore.. It was my own fault though. And as for the other two... Just go back to the way you were.. I'd appreciate it. I wish I could just say everything that's on my mind on this. But even though I've never told anyone I know about it.. That " what if" pops into my head and cuts me off of another chance at sanity. I'm not sleeping properly, I'm not eating properly (but if it was up to me I wouldn't be eating at all) and now I have a cold. On a more positive note.. Rather than daydreaming about drugs, I now go to boxing class and pitcure both S and A's face as the punching bag. Everytime I go by that house it makes me sick. Is it bad that I often wish I was a crazy junkie? I think I've just built the hype up to much in my head. this is where a normal person would ask "what good hype is there about being a junkie?"

Anyways.. If you don't feel like reading any of the above.. Long story short it my mind right now is filled with thoughts of drugs, past memories, feeling of loss, depression and weight loss topics its ridiculous. At least tomorrow(today) is monday.. Gossip girl or 90210 anyone?


You just don't get it, do you? You really don't

understand that I'm not

over you. I never was over you.

I just learned to move on.