Wow

Wow.. I can't believe it's been over a year since I've posted anything. I somehow managed to loose my email account associated with this blog and just kind of gave up. I really didn't think I'd be able to get back into this again.

It's crazy looking back at my posts a year ago. Reading what was going through my head and going on in my life then compared to now. On January 29th 2013 I started a full time job at Two Rivers and have been working there ever since. I do honestly think it was the saving grace for me. It's given me a schedule (which I now realized is something very important in my life). It also gave me an income, a positive thought and an amazing friend. I don't think a year ago I could have imagined I'd be in the place I'm in now. I was really broken and lost and didn't even understand what was actually going on. The one thing this past year has taught me though is that I don't need a man; I need some great girlfriends, a couple bottles of wine and some money in my pocket.

Legal Lady!

Well I am finally legal all over the world!

I have to say these past few months I've really changed and am trying to make myself into a better person. I stopped doing drugs, am not really into drinking that much anymore and am coming to what I feel like are life altering realizations lately. I feel like turning 21 means I'm getting older and I should be getting happier so I need to start making better decisions.. and different ones.

I have always known that I put a lot of emotional effort (usually more than others) into all my relationships in life, which unfortunately makes it a lot easier for me to be upset/agitated/angry faster.

I seem to be putting to much energy into trying to get people to accept me, like me or whatever. I don't actually think it's bad to put energy into the relationships with those around you but I've realized I'm always doing it with the wrong people which is why I'm always getting disappointed and hurt.

I don't know what I did to those few people who are singling me out right now.. and after I've calmed myself down and thought about the situation rationally... I honestly don't think I did do anything. That's just who they are and who they need me to be, the excuse, the reason. But I won't be that anymore. It's time I move on.

I was so lost, so so lost for so long and felt like they were my only people, but they aren't and they're certainly not the right people for me. I do have people in my life who care about me and do want the best for me and it's time I start treating those people with the respect they deserve and putting my energy into them. I don't want to be like those toxic people in my life and maybe it's not to late for me to change.

I want to be a better person, and maybe I can if I focus my energy on the people who are worth it I will be.

I know this post is all jumbled up but that makes sense to me, so whatever :P

WHAT A JOKE

What a joke those past few months of my life were! Boys are dumb, I'm single, the end :) happy ending though. On to thaa next.

Well moving on from that disastrous part of my life and moving forward. This summer has been.. crazy. Filled with crazy prostitutes, drunk bicycle rides and lots of other things. The best thing summer 2012 has brought to me though is my bestie, my babe, my "twin". When we're hanging out it's like I've known her forever. And honestly I can see this girl being a part of my life until we're old and wrinkley 8) Another awesome thing? WE'RE GOING TO TECH N9NE ON SEPTEMBER 4THH!!!!!! The last concert I was to was when C. took me to lmfao which was a partial disaster, mostly because I went with him though haha.. I'm thankful that it no longer bothers me to talk about C. but can't help to wonder when my heart will stop hurting from the one after. I'm starting to realize that this summer didn't do as much as I thought it did to help me get over him, just helped me forget for the time being. At least I got the whole summer without him in my head! LOL! I try so hard to not always write about guys, but it seems that's all I can type about haha.

Ok.. other things in my life.. (ten minutes of staring blankly at the screen later).. I'm starting up work again in September twice a week with Lucas and Anna, but it's not enough so I need to start looking for  another job too. And thenn probably going to Capp in the new year for ECE. Well that was boring.

Anyways, this summer has definitely changed me, that's for sure. I'm more assertive, more sure of what I want, who I am.. dare I say I have multiple moments of confidence? Yeesss.

wings and things

So we had a big talk, and I mean a big one. Thank god. We'll see how things go, but so far so good.

He's sleeping next to me in bed right now, being all cute. Most adorable thing is when he turns over and just snuggles his head as close as he can into my arm (insert nerd face here).

I made a list of things I need to do (like actually get fucking done) tomorrow. I hope to be more productive :) Time to move forward. I'll let you know how it goes

2012..

Well I'm back to this blog again, don't ask me why.. I've just changed my mind. My mood has been pretty on and off lately which is partially why I haven't felt like writing. I don't even feel like writing right now. I probably should though, get some things (ideas, topics) off my chest. Maybe it will help in the long run.

I'm seeing this guy, it's been almost two months. I guess you might even say it's more serious than seeing since he's living with me. And at first it was everything I could have ever wanted and more, much much more. But now I can't decipher if it's just that the honey moon phase is slowly ending or that what I think might actually be true. I obviously don't want it to be true.

I thought he was completely different from my ex, but lately I'm wondering if he really is.. or if I just made it out that way. I've been avoiding thinking about this, I don't want to think about it. Like, could I SERIOUSLY have fallen into the exact same type of relationship I was in before, am I really that blind and dumb. Or, am I just not wanting to work at things, maybe my mood lately has just making things go off, distorting my thinking and my perceptions... I just don't know.

We talk things out when a problem is evident, we've never yelled at each other or called each other a name, I mean that is totally different than my last relationship. So how is it like this? Why do I feel like this? Do I need to just stop comparing my relationship to my previous train wreak of one? It's just hard, that one was so fucked up... I don't ever want to be in something like that again.

I really do love this this guy.

Oh hello there old friend

Wow. Havn't been blogging in a long time. So here's what my life is up to as of now:

I'm going to school three days a week. Taking English, Math and Sociology. I love Math so much, it's math for elementary school teachers, so not only are we doing math, but we're learning the concept behind it. I never understood Math in grade school, so taking this course has given me a brand new confidence in it! English is good, my teacher is hilarious and outrageous. Sociology suck balls. My teacher sucks, her noted suck and the course content sucks even more.

I'm still working at the pool, but not really at daycare anymore. Three times a week at the pool. Twice swimming, and one full shift of guarding (unfortunalty it also has swimming in it).

The past three weeks a bunch of my friends and I have basically been living at my friends place since her parents pce'd for three weeks. It was a lot of fun. We had cute little family dinners, and it was really nice just always having people around you. Even when you just wanted to be alone it was ok, cuz we all were able to hang out without needing attention or constant interaction with each other. Obviously there was a little bit of drama.. Looks like I've found a new guy in my life to not get a long with :P It's ok though now.. i think.. we talked, so hopefully that does something.

Oh thank you lord. I needed this.

I just keep getting beat down. I thought I was finally done with Curtis. I am done with Curtis, but can the kid just leave me alone? No. He needs his stuff back, wants to threten me, and tell me I'm worthless. I don't deserve this from any person, so I finally stuck up for myself, without getting emotional or giving him the satisfaction of upsetting me. I'm proud of me. Finally letting go of him feels good, it feels right (except for those few moments). He hasn't repsonded back to my rebuttle so far so I think I've stumped him.

Curtis, please just leave me alone. You've been nothing but rude and irrational to me. And despite what you seem to think of me, I've never done anything to hurt you intentionally, unlike what you've done to me so many times over the years. I feel as though most of it comes from me not wanting to screw you or date you or even makeout with you.. and maybe that's a bit egotistical of me to say, but maybe I'm right, or maybe I'm really wrong. All I know is how I've been treated by you. And usually that was never ok. So I'm finally letting go of whatever it was that kept me holding on to you. My life will go on without you, and it will be ok. It hurts to actually have to let someone who I thought was very important person in my life go, but you put me in this position.

Alright, now that I've gotten that out of my system. No guy pays any attention to me for god knows how long, and now all in one night I've got two guys who are like gungho ready and wanting to chill asap. Stupid life. I'm really bad at saying no... NOT in like a sexual way, but being firm about like no im not coming out tonight. Because if I was more confident I probably would go out... but I'm not. But dam does it feel good to have guys attention. I still love chris though. I think I just crave positive attention from guys because I don't get enough of it from the one important guy in my life.

I also bought my first car last week. 2006 pontiac vibe. It's beautiful, it's my dream car and it's my baby. She's currently in the shop right now though :( Getting her brakes redone. Argh, I miss driving her. Only nine more days till my n test!!!

Just busy attracting the very things I should be running from

This is actually really frustrating. I can't think of one meaningful thing to write. I just want to fill a page with witty thoughts and words, but nothing comes to my head, only boys and love.

TMMT (this made me think)

that is all.

hit me

I can't find photos today, just another bad day. I only got to sleep at around 630 from coughing all night. Usually a bit more than the normal does of calmlyn does the trick, but not last night. So exhausted and sick I dragged my butt to daycare. It wasn't so bad, the kids can usually cheer me up.. mainly jacob. Then came home became very lazy and didn't go to the gym. So by that point I'm feeling pretty low, sluggish and sad. I decided to text Curtis, see if he'd be down to hang out sometime this week (I haven't seen him since grouse night) and I basically get a message back saying a bunch of random bullshit and telling me not to respond because he won't read it "pce court" ONCE A FUCKING GAIN.
I have done nothing to deserve this from him again (he's done it so many times I can't even count) and yet here i sit upset over it. Why do I care about this person so much who oviously doesn't give a crap about me? I don't get it. I'm so fucking stupid to think he'd never do that to me, to think he'd grown up. I am just a punching bag for other peoples emotional shit. Have something bad happening in your life? Go ahead, take a swing at me because apparently that's all I'm good for.
AND THEN when its time for me to need someone, for me to need a hug, a friend. Where the fuck did everyone go? IM SO FUCKING FURIOUS AND SAD AND DONE WITH EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. Nobody cares about anyone but themself. But I still rush to someones side the moment they say they need me because I ridiculously hope that when they finally realize how much I've been there for them then maybe they'll be there for me.
NO I DONT WANT TO TELL YOU OVER FUCKING TEXT, NO I DONT WANT TO TELL YOU ON THE PHONE. I WANT A FUCKING HUG. How about that.

Oh, I lost 4.8 pounds last week. Which is awesome, but since then I've drank a lot so I'm a bit scared for my next weigh in.

Where people decide to take their emotional feelings out on me, I like to type in capps here and then go work it out at the gym, unfortunalty I'll have to wait until tomorrow for the gym.

I need to start focusing on myself. I care to much about other people, about what they're doing, what they think.. what about me? Calling the CAPU admissions office tomorrow to make an appotiment, I have to start getting my life in order for next year. I've also joined weight watchers as of last thursday.. I'm not only hoping to loose weight but to learn healthier eating habbits. I'm just not right.. I don't feel whole and I don't know what to do to fix it. I want to meet new people, do new things, find a new boy if this one doesn't buck up(althought I'd rather he did). I'm open to anything, I want new adventures and I want them now.

Drews been calling me often. It's nice having someone call you and wonder about your day, ask you questions...listen. He calls me nice names and doesn't make a joke out of everything. I feel good when he texts me.. It's easy. I guess that makes me ask, is a relationship better when it feels easy and natural, or is it more when its work and fighting for something you want?

heh, that makes me happy :)

The only thing I'm sure about is getting healthy and skinny. Because once I have that, then maybe I can move on from this obsession. I'm tired of being unhappy, because somehow i make everything come back to my weight.

Day three of new diet.. =Mental breakdown. fml

thats what i feel like right now.

roosters

Wow, I haven't posted in a while. Since christmas life has been pretty busy. The last three weeks I've worked at the daycare 5 days a week, which was hard but at least I was making money.. I go back to my crappy ass hours now. Maybe it's time to get another job? ugh.
Me
I went to roosters last night in Pitt Medows. Me, Shay her mom and my parents went to go visit Don, Karen and Lindsay because they live out there now. And surprinsly very close to Roosters which is awesome. I did have high expectations of the place, and literally they were all met. The place was packed, cheap drinks, full of hot boys. The only thing I'd add is a bit more like top 40 music. It was a bit embarassing being there with my parents, but at least they were trying to have fun. Got pretty drunk, tequila shos, double long islands and hypnotiq&alize shots... yumm.. Got to actually dance with a guy :) I thought it was funny that the girls he must have gone there with kept trying to get him to go with them and he just waved them off and ignored them each time. Yey! A bit of a confidence boost that was needed. I will be going back there very soon haha

I`ve been kind of down latley though. I don`t hang out with a lot of the people I used to, which doesn`t really bother me, it`s the people I do hang out with now. Chris and I have been pretty close latley, so it means I`m usually around a lot of his people, and I know they all have this thing agaisnt me because I`m his ex gf. I didn`t realize how much that was effecting me until a few days ago. I just try so hard to be friends with anyone and I`ve never done anything to anyone of them. It`s just so unfair, all his friends are unfair, but alas we`re not dating so nothing really matters. Other than that Chris and I are getting along really well.

What else can I say... I've just signed myself up for tumblr and I don't really know why.. or even what it's used for.

There are two functions of behaviour; to attain the desirable or to escape.

Well im a bit upset, ive been looking on the internet now for an hour and still have not found a photo i really like. Ugh. Went to the roxy last Thursday with mel and shay. We went to go see Andrews band lim vociferous (sp?) They played some pretty sick metal music, not really my favourite genre though. I literally couldn’t hear myself think (aw jeeze. I sound like an old person). It was a lot of fun though. We pre drank, as to save ourselves some money, but you know me.. always have to have a drink in my hand. I actually managed to convince this one guy to buy me two vodka redbull shots and a double long island iced tea. So by the end of the night, i was trashed. It was fun. I missed dancing.. It was so much fun being out with the girls, but as usual Jeff ends up picking us up. I don’t mean to act ungrateful, but at the same time.. is it really a girls night if Jeff always shows up at the end? I’d just like to have one night out, where we just have to figure our shit out.. and it will likely be hilarious. My weekend was pretty feeble. Friday was a right off.. Ashlynn and Colton drama took the night by its balls. I’ve informed her of this site so hopefully she starts her own. It’s a good way to vent and work out your problems. Saturday was a lazy day that ended up with Chris showing up at my house unexpectedly. It was a nice surprise, and a fantastic night. We hung out at my place until my parents got home and then went over to his to smoke and watch a movie with Blaire and Wes, Super High Me. And then ended up back in my bed to munch out and sleep. It’s funny, since we’ve broken up I’ve been having more fun with him then I ever did when we were dating. It seems like friends is definitely the better idea. And he even slept over.. that was the unbelievable part. I ran into Mitch the other day at the pool, on his way to the gym of course. I hope to hang out again soon with him and james. The last time was a really great night. And then there was last night. Chris and I went to the Christmas train. I am usually not a very big Christmas fan, but the lights were fantastic. And everything was perfect. That’s really all I can say. It was a night of surprises. Anyways, I should probably be getting to bed

questioning,

AH JUST FUCKING POSTED A WHOLE BUNCH OF SHIT AND IT DIDN'T WORK. KILL ME.
Alright so today is not going so well. Well it's been good and bad, just like my mood every couple of seconds. Had a beer with justin and immy tonight.. baked cookies with shay and ashlynn. I just don't feel right on the inside.. like i go from super happy to shaking in fear. I don't trust anyone, and I just seriously need a constant in my life. Currently I'm just trying to become friends with Chris again. I'm just so freaked he's going to think I want to get back together with him.. I just want to be friends!!!! I've lost so many people in the last few months.. the thought of loosing one more, especially the one person who I truley trusted for the last two years of my life.. it just gives me this sinking feeling in my stomach. Anyways, life I guess goes on.

i got 99 problems n they all bitches

Alright.. so.. Life is interesting? Worked at the daycare today. That's always fun. Then Curtis came over and we hung out, like actually sat at my kitchen table for three hours just talking and being goofs <3 I missed him. Then Jeff came by and we drove around for a bit.. then he got ths great idea ti go meet up with Owen. :S urgh, it was fun, but i wasn't really comfortable. Made me feel better about going out with him sometime maybe, but who knows.. maybe he won't want to go out with me now :S Thats why I liked it before when I hadn't seen him.. the ball was always in his court.. and now its like gotta go back and forth. ugh. He a great guy though, good looking and for the first time ever he's a guy who really has his shit together. I'm just not going to read to much into it, or put a lot of thinking into it. Whatever ends up happening happens and thats that.

you had your turn, now you gunna learn what it really feels like to miss me

Yey! new template design! whoo~ Makes me very happy, epecially since I had one template picked out and it didn't work... It just kept freezing my computer :( Oh well! Pretty colors and (dammit, i forget the name for that pattern) will do just fine for now.

So basically I've just been to depressed to blog about my life for the past little while. Why might you ask? Because Chris and I broke up, well technically he broke up with me. So I've been doing okay.. The moment of was the worst, it felt like my life was ending. He started off pretty assholeish about it, but half way in I finally got through to him, and i became more civilized. Anyways, since then it's been random texts from his everyday with something new and surprising. And throughout this whole time, I've just wanted one conversation with him.. for closure and to explain some of those texts. It just all feels backwards. He broke up with me.. so shouldn't I be the one who's heart broken and wanting space? But no, that's him. So since he gave me my conversation, I'm going to give him his space and just hope that in a while.. those two years weren't horribly wasted just to loose a good friend in the end.

Alright.. now to my weekend! FRIDAY WAS AWESOME. Just totally fucking awesome. Made me realize the pluses of being single and thankfully way sooner then usual. I walked up 29th hill in the freakin blizzard outside and met up with james and mitch, who then came over to coltons for a bit, and then we truged down to my house later on in the night. All three of us layed in my bed :) and it was like having a sleepover when you're 13 again.. just laughing and being silly. Anyways, they were suposed to go sleep in the rec room.. Did they though? no. haha It was nice after just going through a breakup to be all snuggled up in a bed between two ridiculously hot people.

What else can I tell you? Drew came out on Saturday and partied with Ashlynn, Colton and I. Him and I ended up at mcdicks at about 4am getting free coffee and talking. He's planning on going to work in Alberta for a while this winter which sucks, and then he just causally mentioned he could fly me out there to visit and party for a bit.. which would be awesome. I didn't believe him at first, but when he said he paid 1100 to fly this gf out to see him last year.. well that kinda made me excited :) Boys.. it seems like they are just like flocking to me right now.. or running away haha two extrems.

{I really hate blogspot. It won't let me copy things to this, and it doesn't do spellcheck.. urgh.}

Owen came online last night and asked me out again.. Which made me all jittery and feeling werid. I'm not used to it, and what.. it's only been five days. I told him maybe wait untill after my birthday, then we can go to a bar or something and it would give me more time, and then he asked why we couldn't go now and then. I'm no good at saying no to people.. especially when I haven't delt with a situation like this for a long time. So I've just kinda taken the hard to get root, plus guys like that anyway I hear. I am in NO WAY trying to replace chris or get myself into something else right now, but I don't think one date will kill me, especially if I wait a bit longer. Plus I'm going to say I have no interest in dating for a while. Honestly, realationships are a waste of time and money. You're better off being friends with benefits and not getting yourself into a stupid situation where you're left broken and putting your life backtogether after two years. But then if I did that, I'd probably be considered a slut. I don't trust guys who show interest in me anymore, because of Chris always feeding me lines like "they only want sex" and everything of the sort, I guess people have to proove themselves to me more now? :( Oh well.

Class photos at the Daycare! All the kids are going to be there all dressed up, I can't wait (I also can't fingure out what to wear :S)

im in stealth mode.. that's why my scarf is wrapped around my head

Well, today has been just a lot of everything. Happy, stressed, dissapointed, hurt, happy again. Slept over at curts house last night. Usually I would care about what Chris would think, but we're both kinda being together and doing out own thing, and suprisinly he was fine with it. It felt good to hang out with him again, I missed him. I was already in breakdown mode as I call it, so we had a few drinks, listened to some music.. and got some awesome hotdogs from the most creepy 711 man I've met so far (he kept winking at me.. I swear! and then curtis didn't believe me).
I'm foccusing more on my friends now, getting myself back.. being me. Not some crazy boy crazed girl.. I don't like her very much. It's time to meet new people and put some interest in my life. I might take a bartending course sometime after my birthday!
Chris played a remix of sleepyhead in the car today which almost took my heart out.. everytime I've heard it I could go back to that exact feeling, which is really scary and uncomfortable. But I just thought.. why not tackle that fear, so I just finished listening to it again. i just have to start doing stuff like that. Criminal minds is my life by the way.
Ya so my work fucked me over today. They are so dumb and disorganized, urgh. But I managed to sort it out and got it all over and done with myself. I went over to Chrises house this morning and fell into one of the deepest sleeps of my life. It was really crazy, I wish I could remember the dream I was having. Then had some food at the keg, did some good ol recerts and called Justin up. Surprisinly he answered and I met up with him and Immy to go see a movie. It was a lot of fun. I've missed Justin, we were super close not to long ago. :)

I have just refound my love for Channing Tatum. The Dilemma.. SO EXCITED. He has tattoos...

Paul once said, "the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference" and although i will be just letting a lot of stuff go.. its not that I don't care, I don't have the energy or want to care about that stuff.

magic exists, and so does bull shit

just a fuck you to facebook atm. WHY DO YOU NEVER WORK WHEN I NEED YOU TOO.
So things in my life are a little crazy right now. Is that ever a surprise though? Shall we start with the positive. Hanging out with Jeff. As crazy as he might sometimes think, we are actually really good at communcating with eachother, he can talk and I'll bring him down back to earth and also what he thinks and says, it really makes me think about my own life. I like that. He's a good guy, who's just trying to get through and over a lot of shit in his life, just like the rest of us. I found it particulary useful on a night like tonight, when shit just really wasn't going well with me.. and hes helped me realize what I need to do, to know what will be good for me. And becuase of that.. I feel content right now, ready for what comes next... whatever that may be. It does scare me, and to do what I'm preparing myself to do.. it's going to take courage on my part, and it's going to be hard. But in the end I'm hoping that it will work out, and will show me... the positive outcome.
Hmm.. lets search for another positive, it's making me feel better. Jacob. Due to the fact that I feel that I was made to be a mother and just want to have a kid, Jacob is filling that joid for me. And I love him for that, he is my little man at the daycare. Ronni always complains about his whineing, but I guess beacuase that I love him so much, and this little two year old is actually helping me through this part of my life, i choose to look beyond that. Love you Jacob. xx

and before i go into my whole negative speech.. which after writing this out, makes me feel even less bitchy towards the subject, lets do one more thing. I will say four truths and one lie.. think you know me well enough?
-i write stories that mostly are about drug addicts and sluts
-i WISH someone knew about my blog secretly
-i plan on distancing myself from you, emotionally
-i hope to keep my room more organized and clean from now on
-memories of you are fading, and it's healing me
well i think that will give you a bit of a thinker.

ALRIGHT, here it goes.. I don't know what to do about you anymore, so do you know what i've decided to do.. NOTHING. ha. butt fucking all. That's right ladies and gentlemen, hear me when I say this. I will be okay with whatever the fuck you want to do, because you're going to do it anyway. It really doesn't matter what I say or feel or think, and you know what that's fine, but if that's the way this is going to work, it's going to go both ways. I mean this in the calmest way possible. I've just come to this conclusion that i care almost to much. "Puppy love syndrome" to quote Couples Reatreat haha. And if things change and you fight for us, then i will fight with you. And we will be great together, just like I know we can be. But you, and all you`re stupid friends need to calm down and give me a chance, because ya I did shit that was a bit crazy in the past, but you put me up to that. I`m changing and Im moving in a positive direction, and hopefully you see that, because if you don`t then that`s just ridiculous, and it`s not fair to me. You asked for sex from me and that`s what Im giving you (a lot of it), so where are the little things I asked for? I still am not getting those texts or those calls. And personally those aren't really huge things at all. Im okay with you hanging out with and texting whoever. I trust you. So please, show me some respect.

See.. not so negative and bitchy anymore :) Whereas if I had written that first.. it may have come out very differently.

"If you come back missing.. and I don't respond, jsut remember who let who go"
goodnight monsters xx

you can be the vodka and i'll be the chaser.

nice people suck when they're mean -gregory alan elliott

day 2- nine memories you can't leave behind

The one true memory i will never forget is the day my nana managed to say "i love you" just a few days before she passed away. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life. She hadn't even been talking for quite a while before that, but i know she knew how much that ment to me and how much i needed it. i love you too nana, and i think about you every day<3

Christmas dinner at my nana and papas home. he had a joke that comes out of one of those shitty little cracker things. "how did the angel say hello?" and answer was suposed to be "halo" but he decided to make it "hey there asshole". It didnt make any sense at all, but he laughed so hard he cried.. it was hilarious.
.....i will update this more as i think of the mor imporant memories and have time.

holding a grudge is letting someone live rent free in your head.