i got 99 problems n they all bitches

Alright.. so.. Life is interesting? Worked at the daycare today. That's always fun. Then Curtis came over and we hung out, like actually sat at my kitchen table for three hours just talking and being goofs <3 I missed him. Then Jeff came by and we drove around for a bit.. then he got ths great idea ti go meet up with Owen. :S urgh, it was fun, but i wasn't really comfortable. Made me feel better about going out with him sometime maybe, but who knows.. maybe he won't want to go out with me now :S Thats why I liked it before when I hadn't seen him.. the ball was always in his court.. and now its like gotta go back and forth. ugh. He a great guy though, good looking and for the first time ever he's a guy who really has his shit together. I'm just not going to read to much into it, or put a lot of thinking into it. Whatever ends up happening happens and thats that.

you had your turn, now you gunna learn what it really feels like to miss me

Yey! new template design! whoo~ Makes me very happy, epecially since I had one template picked out and it didn't work... It just kept freezing my computer :( Oh well! Pretty colors and (dammit, i forget the name for that pattern) will do just fine for now.

So basically I've just been to depressed to blog about my life for the past little while. Why might you ask? Because Chris and I broke up, well technically he broke up with me. So I've been doing okay.. The moment of was the worst, it felt like my life was ending. He started off pretty assholeish about it, but half way in I finally got through to him, and i became more civilized. Anyways, since then it's been random texts from his everyday with something new and surprising. And throughout this whole time, I've just wanted one conversation with him.. for closure and to explain some of those texts. It just all feels backwards. He broke up with me.. so shouldn't I be the one who's heart broken and wanting space? But no, that's him. So since he gave me my conversation, I'm going to give him his space and just hope that in a while.. those two years weren't horribly wasted just to loose a good friend in the end.

Alright.. now to my weekend! FRIDAY WAS AWESOME. Just totally fucking awesome. Made me realize the pluses of being single and thankfully way sooner then usual. I walked up 29th hill in the freakin blizzard outside and met up with james and mitch, who then came over to coltons for a bit, and then we truged down to my house later on in the night. All three of us layed in my bed :) and it was like having a sleepover when you're 13 again.. just laughing and being silly. Anyways, they were suposed to go sleep in the rec room.. Did they though? no. haha It was nice after just going through a breakup to be all snuggled up in a bed between two ridiculously hot people.

What else can I tell you? Drew came out on Saturday and partied with Ashlynn, Colton and I. Him and I ended up at mcdicks at about 4am getting free coffee and talking. He's planning on going to work in Alberta for a while this winter which sucks, and then he just causally mentioned he could fly me out there to visit and party for a bit.. which would be awesome. I didn't believe him at first, but when he said he paid 1100 to fly this gf out to see him last year.. well that kinda made me excited :) Boys.. it seems like they are just like flocking to me right now.. or running away haha two extrems.

{I really hate blogspot. It won't let me copy things to this, and it doesn't do spellcheck.. urgh.}

Owen came online last night and asked me out again.. Which made me all jittery and feeling werid. I'm not used to it, and what.. it's only been five days. I told him maybe wait untill after my birthday, then we can go to a bar or something and it would give me more time, and then he asked why we couldn't go now and then. I'm no good at saying no to people.. especially when I haven't delt with a situation like this for a long time. So I've just kinda taken the hard to get root, plus guys like that anyway I hear. I am in NO WAY trying to replace chris or get myself into something else right now, but I don't think one date will kill me, especially if I wait a bit longer. Plus I'm going to say I have no interest in dating for a while. Honestly, realationships are a waste of time and money. You're better off being friends with benefits and not getting yourself into a stupid situation where you're left broken and putting your life backtogether after two years. But then if I did that, I'd probably be considered a slut. I don't trust guys who show interest in me anymore, because of Chris always feeding me lines like "they only want sex" and everything of the sort, I guess people have to proove themselves to me more now? :( Oh well.

Class photos at the Daycare! All the kids are going to be there all dressed up, I can't wait (I also can't fingure out what to wear :S)

im in stealth mode.. that's why my scarf is wrapped around my head

Well, today has been just a lot of everything. Happy, stressed, dissapointed, hurt, happy again. Slept over at curts house last night. Usually I would care about what Chris would think, but we're both kinda being together and doing out own thing, and suprisinly he was fine with it. It felt good to hang out with him again, I missed him. I was already in breakdown mode as I call it, so we had a few drinks, listened to some music.. and got some awesome hotdogs from the most creepy 711 man I've met so far (he kept winking at me.. I swear! and then curtis didn't believe me).
I'm foccusing more on my friends now, getting myself back.. being me. Not some crazy boy crazed girl.. I don't like her very much. It's time to meet new people and put some interest in my life. I might take a bartending course sometime after my birthday!
Chris played a remix of sleepyhead in the car today which almost took my heart out.. everytime I've heard it I could go back to that exact feeling, which is really scary and uncomfortable. But I just thought.. why not tackle that fear, so I just finished listening to it again. i just have to start doing stuff like that. Criminal minds is my life by the way.
Ya so my work fucked me over today. They are so dumb and disorganized, urgh. But I managed to sort it out and got it all over and done with myself. I went over to Chrises house this morning and fell into one of the deepest sleeps of my life. It was really crazy, I wish I could remember the dream I was having. Then had some food at the keg, did some good ol recerts and called Justin up. Surprisinly he answered and I met up with him and Immy to go see a movie. It was a lot of fun. I've missed Justin, we were super close not to long ago. :)

I have just refound my love for Channing Tatum. The Dilemma.. SO EXCITED. He has tattoos...

Paul once said, "the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference" and although i will be just letting a lot of stuff go.. its not that I don't care, I don't have the energy or want to care about that stuff.

magic exists, and so does bull shit

just a fuck you to facebook atm. WHY DO YOU NEVER WORK WHEN I NEED YOU TOO.
So things in my life are a little crazy right now. Is that ever a surprise though? Shall we start with the positive. Hanging out with Jeff. As crazy as he might sometimes think, we are actually really good at communcating with eachother, he can talk and I'll bring him down back to earth and also what he thinks and says, it really makes me think about my own life. I like that. He's a good guy, who's just trying to get through and over a lot of shit in his life, just like the rest of us. I found it particulary useful on a night like tonight, when shit just really wasn't going well with me.. and hes helped me realize what I need to do, to know what will be good for me. And becuase of that.. I feel content right now, ready for what comes next... whatever that may be. It does scare me, and to do what I'm preparing myself to do.. it's going to take courage on my part, and it's going to be hard. But in the end I'm hoping that it will work out, and will show me... the positive outcome.
Hmm.. lets search for another positive, it's making me feel better. Jacob. Due to the fact that I feel that I was made to be a mother and just want to have a kid, Jacob is filling that joid for me. And I love him for that, he is my little man at the daycare. Ronni always complains about his whineing, but I guess beacuase that I love him so much, and this little two year old is actually helping me through this part of my life, i choose to look beyond that. Love you Jacob. xx

and before i go into my whole negative speech.. which after writing this out, makes me feel even less bitchy towards the subject, lets do one more thing. I will say four truths and one lie.. think you know me well enough?
-i write stories that mostly are about drug addicts and sluts
-i WISH someone knew about my blog secretly
-i plan on distancing myself from you, emotionally
-i hope to keep my room more organized and clean from now on
-memories of you are fading, and it's healing me
well i think that will give you a bit of a thinker.

ALRIGHT, here it goes.. I don't know what to do about you anymore, so do you know what i've decided to do.. NOTHING. ha. butt fucking all. That's right ladies and gentlemen, hear me when I say this. I will be okay with whatever the fuck you want to do, because you're going to do it anyway. It really doesn't matter what I say or feel or think, and you know what that's fine, but if that's the way this is going to work, it's going to go both ways. I mean this in the calmest way possible. I've just come to this conclusion that i care almost to much. "Puppy love syndrome" to quote Couples Reatreat haha. And if things change and you fight for us, then i will fight with you. And we will be great together, just like I know we can be. But you, and all you`re stupid friends need to calm down and give me a chance, because ya I did shit that was a bit crazy in the past, but you put me up to that. I`m changing and Im moving in a positive direction, and hopefully you see that, because if you don`t then that`s just ridiculous, and it`s not fair to me. You asked for sex from me and that`s what Im giving you (a lot of it), so where are the little things I asked for? I still am not getting those texts or those calls. And personally those aren't really huge things at all. Im okay with you hanging out with and texting whoever. I trust you. So please, show me some respect.

See.. not so negative and bitchy anymore :) Whereas if I had written that first.. it may have come out very differently.

"If you come back missing.. and I don't respond, jsut remember who let who go"
goodnight monsters xx