There are two functions of behaviour; to attain the desirable or to escape.

Well im a bit upset, ive been looking on the internet now for an hour and still have not found a photo i really like. Ugh. Went to the roxy last Thursday with mel and shay. We went to go see Andrews band lim vociferous (sp?) They played some pretty sick metal music, not really my favourite genre though. I literally couldn’t hear myself think (aw jeeze. I sound like an old person). It was a lot of fun though. We pre drank, as to save ourselves some money, but you know me.. always have to have a drink in my hand. I actually managed to convince this one guy to buy me two vodka redbull shots and a double long island iced tea. So by the end of the night, i was trashed. It was fun. I missed dancing.. It was so much fun being out with the girls, but as usual Jeff ends up picking us up. I don’t mean to act ungrateful, but at the same time.. is it really a girls night if Jeff always shows up at the end? I’d just like to have one night out, where we just have to figure our shit out.. and it will likely be hilarious. My weekend was pretty feeble. Friday was a right off.. Ashlynn and Colton drama took the night by its balls. I’ve informed her of this site so hopefully she starts her own. It’s a good way to vent and work out your problems. Saturday was a lazy day that ended up with Chris showing up at my house unexpectedly. It was a nice surprise, and a fantastic night. We hung out at my place until my parents got home and then went over to his to smoke and watch a movie with Blaire and Wes, Super High Me. And then ended up back in my bed to munch out and sleep. It’s funny, since we’ve broken up I’ve been having more fun with him then I ever did when we were dating. It seems like friends is definitely the better idea. And he even slept over.. that was the unbelievable part. I ran into Mitch the other day at the pool, on his way to the gym of course. I hope to hang out again soon with him and james. The last time was a really great night. And then there was last night. Chris and I went to the Christmas train. I am usually not a very big Christmas fan, but the lights were fantastic. And everything was perfect. That’s really all I can say. It was a night of surprises. Anyways, I should probably be getting to bed

questioning,

AH JUST FUCKING POSTED A WHOLE BUNCH OF SHIT AND IT DIDN'T WORK. KILL ME.
Alright so today is not going so well. Well it's been good and bad, just like my mood every couple of seconds. Had a beer with justin and immy tonight.. baked cookies with shay and ashlynn. I just don't feel right on the inside.. like i go from super happy to shaking in fear. I don't trust anyone, and I just seriously need a constant in my life. Currently I'm just trying to become friends with Chris again. I'm just so freaked he's going to think I want to get back together with him.. I just want to be friends!!!! I've lost so many people in the last few months.. the thought of loosing one more, especially the one person who I truley trusted for the last two years of my life.. it just gives me this sinking feeling in my stomach. Anyways, life I guess goes on.

i got 99 problems n they all bitches

Alright.. so.. Life is interesting? Worked at the daycare today. That's always fun. Then Curtis came over and we hung out, like actually sat at my kitchen table for three hours just talking and being goofs <3 I missed him. Then Jeff came by and we drove around for a bit.. then he got ths great idea ti go meet up with Owen. :S urgh, it was fun, but i wasn't really comfortable. Made me feel better about going out with him sometime maybe, but who knows.. maybe he won't want to go out with me now :S Thats why I liked it before when I hadn't seen him.. the ball was always in his court.. and now its like gotta go back and forth. ugh. He a great guy though, good looking and for the first time ever he's a guy who really has his shit together. I'm just not going to read to much into it, or put a lot of thinking into it. Whatever ends up happening happens and thats that.

you had your turn, now you gunna learn what it really feels like to miss me

Yey! new template design! whoo~ Makes me very happy, epecially since I had one template picked out and it didn't work... It just kept freezing my computer :( Oh well! Pretty colors and (dammit, i forget the name for that pattern) will do just fine for now.

So basically I've just been to depressed to blog about my life for the past little while. Why might you ask? Because Chris and I broke up, well technically he broke up with me. So I've been doing okay.. The moment of was the worst, it felt like my life was ending. He started off pretty assholeish about it, but half way in I finally got through to him, and i became more civilized. Anyways, since then it's been random texts from his everyday with something new and surprising. And throughout this whole time, I've just wanted one conversation with him.. for closure and to explain some of those texts. It just all feels backwards. He broke up with me.. so shouldn't I be the one who's heart broken and wanting space? But no, that's him. So since he gave me my conversation, I'm going to give him his space and just hope that in a while.. those two years weren't horribly wasted just to loose a good friend in the end.

Alright.. now to my weekend! FRIDAY WAS AWESOME. Just totally fucking awesome. Made me realize the pluses of being single and thankfully way sooner then usual. I walked up 29th hill in the freakin blizzard outside and met up with james and mitch, who then came over to coltons for a bit, and then we truged down to my house later on in the night. All three of us layed in my bed :) and it was like having a sleepover when you're 13 again.. just laughing and being silly. Anyways, they were suposed to go sleep in the rec room.. Did they though? no. haha It was nice after just going through a breakup to be all snuggled up in a bed between two ridiculously hot people.

What else can I tell you? Drew came out on Saturday and partied with Ashlynn, Colton and I. Him and I ended up at mcdicks at about 4am getting free coffee and talking. He's planning on going to work in Alberta for a while this winter which sucks, and then he just causally mentioned he could fly me out there to visit and party for a bit.. which would be awesome. I didn't believe him at first, but when he said he paid 1100 to fly this gf out to see him last year.. well that kinda made me excited :) Boys.. it seems like they are just like flocking to me right now.. or running away haha two extrems.

{I really hate blogspot. It won't let me copy things to this, and it doesn't do spellcheck.. urgh.}

Owen came online last night and asked me out again.. Which made me all jittery and feeling werid. I'm not used to it, and what.. it's only been five days. I told him maybe wait untill after my birthday, then we can go to a bar or something and it would give me more time, and then he asked why we couldn't go now and then. I'm no good at saying no to people.. especially when I haven't delt with a situation like this for a long time. So I've just kinda taken the hard to get root, plus guys like that anyway I hear. I am in NO WAY trying to replace chris or get myself into something else right now, but I don't think one date will kill me, especially if I wait a bit longer. Plus I'm going to say I have no interest in dating for a while. Honestly, realationships are a waste of time and money. You're better off being friends with benefits and not getting yourself into a stupid situation where you're left broken and putting your life backtogether after two years. But then if I did that, I'd probably be considered a slut. I don't trust guys who show interest in me anymore, because of Chris always feeding me lines like "they only want sex" and everything of the sort, I guess people have to proove themselves to me more now? :( Oh well.

Class photos at the Daycare! All the kids are going to be there all dressed up, I can't wait (I also can't fingure out what to wear :S)

im in stealth mode.. that's why my scarf is wrapped around my head

Well, today has been just a lot of everything. Happy, stressed, dissapointed, hurt, happy again. Slept over at curts house last night. Usually I would care about what Chris would think, but we're both kinda being together and doing out own thing, and suprisinly he was fine with it. It felt good to hang out with him again, I missed him. I was already in breakdown mode as I call it, so we had a few drinks, listened to some music.. and got some awesome hotdogs from the most creepy 711 man I've met so far (he kept winking at me.. I swear! and then curtis didn't believe me).
I'm foccusing more on my friends now, getting myself back.. being me. Not some crazy boy crazed girl.. I don't like her very much. It's time to meet new people and put some interest in my life. I might take a bartending course sometime after my birthday!
Chris played a remix of sleepyhead in the car today which almost took my heart out.. everytime I've heard it I could go back to that exact feeling, which is really scary and uncomfortable. But I just thought.. why not tackle that fear, so I just finished listening to it again. i just have to start doing stuff like that. Criminal minds is my life by the way.
Ya so my work fucked me over today. They are so dumb and disorganized, urgh. But I managed to sort it out and got it all over and done with myself. I went over to Chrises house this morning and fell into one of the deepest sleeps of my life. It was really crazy, I wish I could remember the dream I was having. Then had some food at the keg, did some good ol recerts and called Justin up. Surprisinly he answered and I met up with him and Immy to go see a movie. It was a lot of fun. I've missed Justin, we were super close not to long ago. :)

I have just refound my love for Channing Tatum. The Dilemma.. SO EXCITED. He has tattoos...

Paul once said, "the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference" and although i will be just letting a lot of stuff go.. its not that I don't care, I don't have the energy or want to care about that stuff.

magic exists, and so does bull shit

just a fuck you to facebook atm. WHY DO YOU NEVER WORK WHEN I NEED YOU TOO.
So things in my life are a little crazy right now. Is that ever a surprise though? Shall we start with the positive. Hanging out with Jeff. As crazy as he might sometimes think, we are actually really good at communcating with eachother, he can talk and I'll bring him down back to earth and also what he thinks and says, it really makes me think about my own life. I like that. He's a good guy, who's just trying to get through and over a lot of shit in his life, just like the rest of us. I found it particulary useful on a night like tonight, when shit just really wasn't going well with me.. and hes helped me realize what I need to do, to know what will be good for me. And becuase of that.. I feel content right now, ready for what comes next... whatever that may be. It does scare me, and to do what I'm preparing myself to do.. it's going to take courage on my part, and it's going to be hard. But in the end I'm hoping that it will work out, and will show me... the positive outcome.
Hmm.. lets search for another positive, it's making me feel better. Jacob. Due to the fact that I feel that I was made to be a mother and just want to have a kid, Jacob is filling that joid for me. And I love him for that, he is my little man at the daycare. Ronni always complains about his whineing, but I guess beacuase that I love him so much, and this little two year old is actually helping me through this part of my life, i choose to look beyond that. Love you Jacob. xx

and before i go into my whole negative speech.. which after writing this out, makes me feel even less bitchy towards the subject, lets do one more thing. I will say four truths and one lie.. think you know me well enough?
-i write stories that mostly are about drug addicts and sluts
-i WISH someone knew about my blog secretly
-i plan on distancing myself from you, emotionally
-i hope to keep my room more organized and clean from now on
-memories of you are fading, and it's healing me
well i think that will give you a bit of a thinker.

ALRIGHT, here it goes.. I don't know what to do about you anymore, so do you know what i've decided to do.. NOTHING. ha. butt fucking all. That's right ladies and gentlemen, hear me when I say this. I will be okay with whatever the fuck you want to do, because you're going to do it anyway. It really doesn't matter what I say or feel or think, and you know what that's fine, but if that's the way this is going to work, it's going to go both ways. I mean this in the calmest way possible. I've just come to this conclusion that i care almost to much. "Puppy love syndrome" to quote Couples Reatreat haha. And if things change and you fight for us, then i will fight with you. And we will be great together, just like I know we can be. But you, and all you`re stupid friends need to calm down and give me a chance, because ya I did shit that was a bit crazy in the past, but you put me up to that. I`m changing and Im moving in a positive direction, and hopefully you see that, because if you don`t then that`s just ridiculous, and it`s not fair to me. You asked for sex from me and that`s what Im giving you (a lot of it), so where are the little things I asked for? I still am not getting those texts or those calls. And personally those aren't really huge things at all. Im okay with you hanging out with and texting whoever. I trust you. So please, show me some respect.

See.. not so negative and bitchy anymore :) Whereas if I had written that first.. it may have come out very differently.

"If you come back missing.. and I don't respond, jsut remember who let who go"
goodnight monsters xx

you can be the vodka and i'll be the chaser.

nice people suck when they're mean -gregory alan elliott

day 2- nine memories you can't leave behind

The one true memory i will never forget is the day my nana managed to say "i love you" just a few days before she passed away. It was one of the most amazing moments of my life. She hadn't even been talking for quite a while before that, but i know she knew how much that ment to me and how much i needed it. i love you too nana, and i think about you every day<3

Christmas dinner at my nana and papas home. he had a joke that comes out of one of those shitty little cracker things. "how did the angel say hello?" and answer was suposed to be "halo" but he decided to make it "hey there asshole". It didnt make any sense at all, but he laughed so hard he cried.. it was hilarious.
.....i will update this more as i think of the mor imporant memories and have time.

holding a grudge is letting someone live rent free in your head.

jayysuss.

hey so, the whole no comments on my posts is kind of getting me down. I know that's kind of stupid of me since i won't tell anyone i know about this blog.. or have lied about it a bunch.. but if you're just a random person who happens to stumble across this blog of my life, leave a comment....anything!! haha im in a much better mood today.

well first things first: i've found my future soul mate
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjCLQaTFXx0
what he does.. its just not natural.. how is that at all possible!?

secondly... a guy actually hit on ME today. And not just the regular hey you're hot. nope. the aw shucks.. i wanted to take you out for dinner. Not that that means something to me. Well it does.. but the guy doesn't. It's just a confidence boost, and i really needed it. I'm pretty tired right now, i can't wait for the weekend.

so this is what im going to do on here for the next ten days:
Day 1 - 10 people who have/had impacted your life and why
Day 2 - 9 memories you can’t leave behind
Day 3 - 8 things that are on your mind right now
Day 4 - 7 bad habits
Day 5 - 6 lies
Day 6 - Name 5 ex boyfriends/girlfriends and which one meant the most to you?
Day 7 - 4 phrases you say a lot
Day 8 - 3 confessions
Day 9 - 2 quotes/sayings/songs etc. that keep you motivated
Day 10 - Write about the 1 person you constantly think about. Who’s this person and why?

10 people who have impacted my life.

• 
  
  mom and dad.. you're my parents. you're who i've learned from from the very start, and without you two, i wouldn't be here today.


• 
  
  nana and papa.. you were my second parents. and papa im considered the "female version of howard pope" and nana, i can't list all the things you've taught me.. that would take me days <3


• 
  
  ashlynn.. you've shown me that i can have people in my life that are reliable and honest and trustworthy. and beacuse of you i am a better person in general.


• 
  
  chris.. beacause of our relationship, and the mistakes you made with me, i actually managed to realize how i was affecting other people, and totally changed who i was with you beacuse of that.


• 
  
  sam...beacuse of you, and the whole group really i grew into a more mature person. it was because of your decisions that made me realize what was important in life, and who really to get upset over. I sincerly don't mean this in a rude way, you helped me become the person that parents trust with their kids, you helped me learn how to deal with people better.


• 
  
  shayla.. well without you, and us going through all our crazy styles and fads in life, i wouldnt be the way iam today, and i wouldnt have had the "experiences" without you. and without those experinces, i wouldn't have learned those valuable life lessons.. haha ;)


• 
  
  heather.. i can't even put it into words.. you just know me, and you're my my friend ive known for my whole life. we need to hang out more :(


• 
  
  peter... you were my first bf out of my circle of friends, and for that i will always know that there is other people out there, i dont have to be comfined to my little world. i miss hanging out with you :(

wow.. that was way harder than i thought it would be.

remorse, fear, passion and anxiety

oh hey. tonights not much better tham the last. Don't feel that my life is just one big shit hole.. It's just that I uaually only end up writing when im upset, or alone.. or upset and alone. It's when I have the most time on my hands. I spent all day today making my bf a present to surprise him with for no good reason.. and he just becomes this major asshole. He doesn't understand where I come from at all becuase he's never been alone in his life. Never had rules put on him.. and now he lives with his brother so he can have whoever over, whenever he feels like it. All the while, I'm stuck in this house that limits me from being the exact person I really am. It also doesn't help theres an unlimited supply of other stuff that doesn't help my current condition. I've decided that I need to go join Jenny Craig. I just need to start saving up a bit of money for it.. I'd love to loose some weight :) What else can I say? I'm not looking forward to swim teaching.. I hate getting into the water, and I hate my body. I really hate my body.

I hate how one day you'll realize, the sweetest words were the fucking lies.
if you really knew me, you'd know i miss him

No one can find the rewind button, girl. So cradle your head in your hands. And breathe.

Well it seems as if I've driven myelf into a corner, a dark, lonley corner. I get very upset at something, realize I've got really none left to talk and then get even more upset. I need a few people back in my life.. But unfortunatly I can't even talk to one of them anymore.. It was my own fault though. And as for the other two... Just go back to the way you were.. I'd appreciate it. I wish I could just say everything that's on my mind on this. But even though I've never told anyone I know about it.. That " what if" pops into my head and cuts me off of another chance at sanity. I'm not sleeping properly, I'm not eating properly (but if it was up to me I wouldn't be eating at all) and now I have a cold. On a more positive note.. Rather than daydreaming about drugs, I now go to boxing class and pitcure both S and A's face as the punching bag. Everytime I go by that house it makes me sick. Is it bad that I often wish I was a crazy junkie? I think I've just built the hype up to much in my head. this is where a normal person would ask "what good hype is there about being a junkie?"

Anyways.. If you don't feel like reading any of the above.. Long story short it my mind right now is filled with thoughts of drugs, past memories, feeling of loss, depression and weight loss topics its ridiculous. At least tomorrow(today) is monday.. Gossip girl or 90210 anyone?


You just don't get it, do you? You really don't

understand that I'm not

over you. I never was over you.

I just learned to move on.

well im afraid i've done something wrong. i thought that this would fix everything, but it clearly has not. you must think im fucking nuts. i can't wait till thursday to get my shit sorted out, maybe ill just start with my room until then.

fuck this shit, fuck this.

let your joy scream across the pain

well i miss you. i'm really starting to miss you now. i hope you miss me, or at least think about me.. i played pool the other night wih the guys. it was a lot of fun, especially because P came, and I even managed to win agaisnt one of them! I think i'm going to go buy my touque tomorrow. I can't wait until sunday haha plus then i can wear it all weekend. my chest pains are getting more frequent, which is making it more scary. im tired of sedating myself when i get the pain instead of actually being diagnosed. what if it is something really serious? im probably overreacting (except not about the pain, the pain is 100% real).

dear 3am, we really have to stop meeting this way. I'd much rather sleep with you~

"spread my ballls!"

im tired. today was an awesome day, filled with even more awesome friends. it's just everything is starting to take its toll.

im tired of missing you
im tired of the extreme pain im in
im tired of feeling like im going through withdrawl
im also tired of the feeling that everything in my life is temporary

sometimes people change their minds~

well hello.
haven't done much latley. well that's a lie. i went to see a movie (the bounty hunter) with B the other night. It was nice not having him trying to stick his tougne down my throat the entire time :) he did fall asleep during a part of the movie though and looked pretty funny, sitting there quietly snoring. I didn't think the movie was horrible, it did have its funny parts, i just didn't get how the soundtrack had anything to do with the movie haha buttt it was good music. it made me want to get up and dance right there in the middle of the theater. We proceded to go eat some chicken nuggets after much debate weither we had time to go get bagels and donuts. I like hanging out with him because we have so much to talk about since we still don't know eachother that well; eventhough i talk almost nonstop haha. C pissed me off, so im mad at him and also my stupid fucking windows vista security alert. GO SUCK IT AND SHUT UP. I think im going to have to take my laptop into future shop to see wtf is going on. I also cannot wait to babysit B this weekend, and then go buy my sasquatch touque! Seriously, i look very cute in it :) Im very lucky that i look good in touques and sunglasses, i couldn't imagine how hard it must be if you have trouble finding sunglasses or something. I'd go crazy. P came and visited me after work and we went out for sushi (he knows how to get me out of my house lol) and then we went and bought a ski jacket he wanted, which is where i found the touque. Other than that not a lot has been going on. Just a lot of work this week and making a lot of plans to hang out with people, like going out to play pool and things. Unfortuantly Im not able to go to richmond to see h wich is like tearing my heart out. It would have been so much fun to go get DRUNK in richmond, plus all my other group of friends is out there. dammit, it will have to happen another time. What else? hmm. How about some graphics and quotes? okay.
____________________________________________________________________

"according to him, im funny, irresistable, everything he ever wanted. everything is opposite, i don't feel like stopping it, so baby tell me what i got to loose"

"if you fall for me, im not easily to please. i might tear you apart. im only break, break, break, your heart"

if you're not willing to risk it all, you don't want it bad enough

i've learned to love abuse

"When you feel like you love someone more than he loves you, it can make you crazy. It can make you a lot crazy"

tonights episode of greys was fantastic :)

the drapes match the curtins :)

iamm drrrunk. haha what a great day. Workjed this morning and then wne tout to coffe with J. Proceded to have a sleep and talk to B. Then decided it was time to get ready to get see H dt!!! I sound so stupid just saying the letters of the people but i believe they desevr they're privacy :) Earls was amazing and they didn't id me so i drank WHITE PEACH BELINIS and heather had rasberry mojiots!!!! sooo amazing. soooo good. then we hung out dt and her friend L decided to join us. I couldn't get into clubs so while i went pee they went and bought a 26 of vodca :) and we drank and L got more fun and less sktchy which was nice haha. Now i need to get friday off so i can go see H and party at her houseeee with all my ppl from richmondd!~~!! After i finally managed to make it to the sea bus (last one!) and go pee (:]) i got to the key and nate called me. He was in NV and said hed come meet me at the quay, but i said he could meet at 3rd and that was it. So i rode my last bus to third and got off and went into subway to get a cookie... (don't ask about my thought process). For about five min there were these three guys staring at me in subway annd i kept looking away being like WTF and when i finally looked it was Mcmordie, aron and christan!! Which was a happy surprise. SO i decided to hang out with them in subway for a while. They decided to give me a ride to 6th to meet up with nate, in which we proceded to walk back down to subway HAHA (i needed more coke.. my alcohol was tasting gross). After a while this girl kept calling nate n bitching so she picked him up and gave me a ride home. And now itsd about 3am, im drunk as shiieet and have to work tomorrow. YEY. And now L and H are planning a trip to come me in the NV :) :) ah haha just reading over this is amusing. But i won't change it because thats what makes it so amazing. I hope everyone had as great and random night as i did!!
soso
(hahahaha)
xoxoxo*

remember, if i ever need my ass kicked to call nate.

This song reminds me of tonight :)

fuck not having mircosoft word.

i'm upset today because im having trouble finding photos that really inspire me. I've gone through so many pages of pictures and nothing is really jumping out. Also, I've had a headache since about seven. Oh, happy saint pattys day too. Well after writing a whole page of my thoughts, i realized that since starting this, i got really excited and told a couple of people about it, so now i have to censor what i say. UGH. so it'll probably just be easier to write some lists and add some photos. I'm mad because there were a couple things I was suposed to do today, mainly going to the doctors, and i didn't do it :( My boss is going to be mad.

Im feeling less consumed with emotions, watching my nightly routine of NCIS, Bone and then House. I switched it up a bit tonight though and watched House first hopeing that maybe I'll end up going to bed earlier haha I think I'm going crazy.. I keep hearing this noise coming from my computer that is the sound that comes up when someone's talking to you on fb chat. It's been happening for two days now. C is leaving me in just over 24 hrs :( just another person who's leaving me. I can't wait for everyone to come back from all their stupid vacations. I can't help but wonder if my relationship with my group of friends will be forever changed though. I mean they're going through a lot of things that can be eye opening and life changing that i will have no part of (but at least peter will be in the same boat as me). Which I need to make a better effort to hang out with him next week. Maybe he can come over and play some guitar hero or something? OOORR I think I'll try to organize a pool night with peter, peter, phil and some others. And friday night I`ll be hanging out with H. I just don`t really want to even try to get into a bar though. I don`t need another fake id being taken away from me. Earls is just fine for me :) I`m also quite excited since ive decided to g

o to shuswap for sure with jeff when he goes up! It should be quite a party, and i trust myself now being older and wiser (haha) to not get myself into stupid situations. I value more things now to not put them in jepurdy. And on that note of feeling more mature and happy with my state of mind i will sign off.

oh. p.s

you lieing piece of fucking shit xoxo

hey, shut your face.

im tired of stupid shit and being in my room and boys lieing and being stupid.

if i hold my breath, i can't feel the heartburn.

well really it was more like "you can't go out all the time" and she still says it.

well hello.

I feel as though since this is my first post it should be.. epic or something, breathtaking even maybe? But I have to wonder, is anyone actually going to read this? and if so will they even care? I guess I'm not doing this for anyone but myself though so it really shouldn't matter.

Anyways, my name is Courtney. I'm a very extroverted person; I'll say what's on my mind and always into meeting new people or learning new things (eventhough I can be very stubborn haha). I mainly made this blog for myself to have somewhere to post photos that inspire me and thoughts that are running around in my head. I like nice people, who do nice things, Nicholas Sparks, pretty pictures, talking, getting intoxicated with special people and my cellular device. The list goes on, but that kind of sums it up... a little bit. Okay, boys, I should also add that to the list, eapecially this one boy :)

I just found this song: Say it again by Marie Digby.. it's prety cute and she has a very sweet voice. (I must warn anyone who does decide to read this that you should be prepared for random thoughts, pictures, quotes, songs or anything else to come out of nowhere, it's what I do) I'm wiating for Bones to come on right now, it's my new crime scene show to replace CSI, I also like Criminal Minds. And with that I'll leave you with one more song: You make my dreams come true by Hall and Oates. It has a fun beat.