hit me

I can't find photos today, just another bad day. I only got to sleep at around 630 from coughing all night. Usually a bit more than the normal does of calmlyn does the trick, but not last night. So exhausted and sick I dragged my butt to daycare. It wasn't so bad, the kids can usually cheer me up.. mainly jacob. Then came home became very lazy and didn't go to the gym. So by that point I'm feeling pretty low, sluggish and sad. I decided to text Curtis, see if he'd be down to hang out sometime this week (I haven't seen him since grouse night) and I basically get a message back saying a bunch of random bullshit and telling me not to respond because he won't read it "pce court" ONCE A FUCKING GAIN.
I have done nothing to deserve this from him again (he's done it so many times I can't even count) and yet here i sit upset over it. Why do I care about this person so much who oviously doesn't give a crap about me? I don't get it. I'm so fucking stupid to think he'd never do that to me, to think he'd grown up. I am just a punching bag for other peoples emotional shit. Have something bad happening in your life? Go ahead, take a swing at me because apparently that's all I'm good for.
AND THEN when its time for me to need someone, for me to need a hug, a friend. Where the fuck did everyone go? IM SO FUCKING FURIOUS AND SAD AND DONE WITH EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. Nobody cares about anyone but themself. But I still rush to someones side the moment they say they need me because I ridiculously hope that when they finally realize how much I've been there for them then maybe they'll be there for me.
NO I DONT WANT TO TELL YOU OVER FUCKING TEXT, NO I DONT WANT TO TELL YOU ON THE PHONE. I WANT A FUCKING HUG. How about that.

Oh, I lost 4.8 pounds last week. Which is awesome, but since then I've drank a lot so I'm a bit scared for my next weigh in.

Where people decide to take their emotional feelings out on me, I like to type in capps here and then go work it out at the gym, unfortunalty I'll have to wait until tomorrow for the gym.

I need to start focusing on myself. I care to much about other people, about what they're doing, what they think.. what about me? Calling the CAPU admissions office tomorrow to make an appotiment, I have to start getting my life in order for next year. I've also joined weight watchers as of last thursday.. I'm not only hoping to loose weight but to learn healthier eating habbits. I'm just not right.. I don't feel whole and I don't know what to do to fix it. I want to meet new people, do new things, find a new boy if this one doesn't buck up(althought I'd rather he did). I'm open to anything, I want new adventures and I want them now.

Drews been calling me often. It's nice having someone call you and wonder about your day, ask you questions...listen. He calls me nice names and doesn't make a joke out of everything. I feel good when he texts me.. It's easy. I guess that makes me ask, is a relationship better when it feels easy and natural, or is it more when its work and fighting for something you want?

heh, that makes me happy :)

The only thing I'm sure about is getting healthy and skinny. Because once I have that, then maybe I can move on from this obsession. I'm tired of being unhappy, because somehow i make everything come back to my weight.

Day three of new diet.. =Mental breakdown. fml

thats what i feel like right now.